The Lightning Round

     I found an old book on idioms in my house a while back (my guess is my mom bought it because she mixes up sayings like she was the Irish bartender in The Boondock Saints) and decided to use it for a post.

      It's fast. It's absurd. It's completely devoid of substance. It is... the lightning round.

      "A wolf in sheep's clothing." Sheep don't wear clothing, they are made into clothing. And if a wolf were wearing that, people would just think man, that is a really warm wolf.

      "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Notice the use of gender rather than the neutral object pronoun. This was clearly conspiratorially created by a woman as a subtle jab at the obstinance of the male gender. Feminists.

      "Where there's smoke, there's fire." Not necessarily. Have you been to L.A.?

      "It's raining cats and dogs." This would be more horrifying than any of the 10 plagues. Rain comes from clouds, and that is a long, messy way for a flightless, domestic creature to fall. I don't care if a cat always falls on its feet; cat goes splat.

      "On top of the world." I watched a Discovery documentary on the top of the world. It is not a place you want to be. Even the polar bears are getting the hell out.

      "The handwriting on the wall." There may have been a time when God was the one that wrote messages on walls (in an unknowable language to a largely illiterate people… See Daniel 5, the Bible, for clarification) but now the only people who do this are drunks, teen punks, "enlightened" college students during an election year, and prostitutes offering "a good time." So you can read the writing on the wall if you want, but please at least wash your hands when you leave the bathroom stall.

      "If the shoe fits, wear it." Unless that shoe belongs to an insanely jealous sociopath. Or someone who just stepped in dog poop.

      "Like two peas in a pod." Way to leave out the other peas in your pod. Also, when you put humans in a "pod," like in new age offices, arsonists are created.

      "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." This actually goes against the phrase "Straight from the horse's mouth," because looking at the mouth is the only certain way to tell a horse's age. Besides, who would want a horse with a bad case of halitosis? Check it.

      "Dead as a doornail." Technically something that was never alive can't be dead, so I guess this means you're fine.

      "Down to brass tacks." I had no idea what this meant when I thought it was 'tax' not 'tacks.' Now I'm hopelessly lost.

      "The birds and the bees." Are we really teaching our children about sex by drawing upon creatures that either choose their mates based entirely on appearances and a massive, matriarchal, polygamous orgy devoid of thought or free will? Why not "the elephants and the bonobos?" Alliteration?

      "Fits like a glove." Thank for ruining this one, O.J. Simpson.

      "Tickle my funny bone." Least funny sensation ever.

     "In the belly of the beast." This is meant to convey the worst part of a situation, but if you are in the belly of a beast, the worst is over; you're just dead. All 497 masticated pieces of you.