The Nickel Back

     Normally I analyze well-known metaphors and images in this blog. I have taken it upon myself to break slightly from this format in order to make a public service announcement of sorts: Nickelback sucks. This is a natural fact, but just as there are still a few holdouts to the heliocentric theory, so there are some that continue to insist Nickelback's noises are, in fact, music.

     The ironically named band (you'd barely pay a nickel for their albums, and even then you'll be asking for your money back) has reached #1 many times, including in the list of bands that are turnoffs to potential mates.

     I want to help educate people who do not realize the true depths of Nickelback's crimes against humanity while simultaneously creating utilitarianism from their blight on our existence. I like to make the best of bad situations, you know- raging optimist, that's me.

     For this reason I want to teach you all a very simple metaphorical template: "_____ is the Nickelback of _______." Think of it as the antithesis of the common Michael Jordan comparison. For example, you might say "Oxford is the Michael Jordan of schools- the best in the world." It would then be appropriate to establish the comparison: "UF is the Nickelback of schools; they may bring in a lot of money, but everyone knows they are loud, obnoxious, reptilian, and overrated."

     Here is another example: "Winter is the Nickelback of seasons; it comes down from Canada to strip the world of color and ruin our lives." See, Nickelback is a Canadian band, and they make you want to set yourself on fire to remove the bitter cold void that has avalanched down upon you.

     Don't just limit yourself to this rigid format though, create variations on the theme and really let your creative juices flow. Simplify the comparison to anything you don't like, there's no need to explain- "Man, this pizza is the Nickelback of Italy." Vary the structure- "Getting this spinal tap is almost as bad as listening to Nickelback." Make a verb out of it- you didn't "get screwed," you "got Nickelbacked." Instead of cursing in pain or anger, take Chad Kroeger's name in vain. Don't worry about making sense, either- "Getting hit in the groin really felt like Nickelback." The most important thing is simply that your level of misery warrants the use of They-That-Shall-Not-Be-Played.

     Don't try to subdue your disdain towards Nickelback, embrace it and let it work for you. Use them to convey the carnal anger that wells up inside you. After all, this is the same band whose own fans threw rocks at them.

     Man, does Portugal have the Nickelback of fans, or what?