Anyone Seen the Bridge?

     I am a notorious procrastinator. Yeah, I know, those of you that know me are shocked. No, but really, I made procrastination into an art form back in my heyday (3-7 years ago; I peaked early). I know I shouldn't be proud about putting off assignments until the last moment, but I kind of am. There was an excitement  and urgency to my schoolwork that I would never have gotten otherwise, not to mention the satisfaction of getting the assignment back with an A stamped across the top and a note from the teacher lauding me for putting so much time and effort into my work (thus even in elementary school I misguidedly thought I was smarter than my teachers).

     To get my IB diploma, I had to submit a 4000 word essay. This was the second most influential aspect to receiving my diploma besides the month of tests at the end of my senior year. So naturally I wrote the entire paper the night before it was due. And naturally my advisor loved it.

     Possibly my proudest moment in procrastination comes from U.S History, 8th grade. Now, once you've had a taste of actual academia, 8th grade seems like color by numbers, but back then it was serious business. This was especially true in history, because the teacher demanded so much more out of us than we had ever experienced before (which isn't really saying much, but still). He had assigned a project on the Bill of Rights three weeks earlier, so naturally on the night before it was due I hadn't even started. I wasn't "in the mood" to do the project, so I set my alarm for 3:30 A.M., probably played some Zelda, and went to sleep with nothing done. I hit the snooze button for about an hour the next morning (I even procrastinate the simple act of waking up) until finally deciding I should probably do some work. Eventually I put the finishing touches on the project in homeroom, 30 feet from my history teacher, hours into the school day already.

     I got a 100%.

     So, given my prowess, nay, passion for procrastination, you would think I would like the saying, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." It's the trump card that people lay down when they want to put off discussing something. You don't know why, but when someone suggests this you forget what you were even talking about. It's like some kind of lazy Jedi's mind trick. So why don't I like this metaphorical saying?

     First and foremost, my mom always says it. She is basically an idiomatic machine, so I'm sure I'll be featuring more of her favorite sayings in the not-too-distant-future. But when you hear something hundreds of times over the course of your life in conjunction with not getting want you want, you develop a little malice towards it.

     Secondly, I just don't understand the real world application it alludes to. In my mind's eye, I picture myself hiking through the mountains with a friend, eventually realizing that we are going to come to an impasse- let's say a raging river. I see the sign next to us that says, simply, "People have died here," (yes, there truly are such signs in the Appalachians) and say, "Hey man, how do you suppose we'll get past the river of death?" "O, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it," he responds.

     This response presupposes two things. The first is that there is a bridge. And if this is true, my friend is an ass because he could have told me so in a less snarky manner. The second is that, regardless of the status of any river crossing apparatus, we shouldn't be worried about crossing this imminent death trap for some reason. But let's be honest, if you know that you are going to have to cross a raging river, you would probably pull out a map to see where you'll be able to cross it rather than getting to the river and winging it, George of the Jungle style. I don't care how much you like to procrastinate, you still have self-preservationist instincts. So the response is asinine. The proper response in this situation should be, "Don't worry, there's a bridge," or "I don't know, let's look at the map," or even "Uh… We're screwed, dude," but certainly not "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

     I know I'm getting bent out of shape about a silly saying that nobody else thinks twice about. But maybe we should actually think before we speak, even as it pertains to idioms. And maybe when I scream "I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A BRIDGE YOU JACKASS, I WAS JUST ASKING A SIMPLE QUESTION!" at some unassuming soul, I'm actually the sane one because I have thought things out.

     I'm not crazy.

   

     I'm NOT crazy.