Sucking Venom

     One of my friends was recently talking about a difficult situation that he went through and, to help explain how he dealt with it, used a snakebite analogy. "It's like when you get bit by a snake; you have to immediately suck the venom out to prevent damage, then you have to spend the rest of your time avoiding snakes." He's a smart guy, and made a good point through this metaphor, but before he had even finished I had started to flip the argument on him in my head.

     He immediately started backpedaling as soon as he finished, saying "Now I suppose that was a bad metaphor… I mean I wasn't trying to call anybody a snake, I was just trying to explain why I had to react suddenly and extremely and why I am so cautious in similar circumstances now." Maybe he started over-analyzing his own metaphor because I was already smiling at how I was going to foil his argument (I am a terrible poker player. No, on second thought, I'm actually just a smug bastard), or maybe my reputation just preceded me (I mean, this blog's readership is, like, in the tens!). Regardless, I had a different reason why the metaphor was inadequate.

     For almost as long as they have been around, the Boy Scouts of America have been teaching our children to immediately have a friend suck out the venom from their wound if they get bit by a snake. Now there were a few minor flaws inherent to this advice, the most obvious one being the supposition that children knew the difference between a venomous and non-venomous snake. But these are boy scouts we're talking about. Of 'Merica nonetheless. "BE PREPARED," and all that. So I'll allow the suspension of disbelief for now.

     It wasn't just the boy scouts, though. Wilderness first-aid, movies (Anyone else remember City Slickers? Anyone else wish they could forget City Slickers?), books, your overzealous biology teacher. For years we were conditioned to suck first, think later. And the urgency of not hesitating and immediately sucking out the viper juice was always emphasized, leading to a reflexive response if the situation should arise.

     But ay, here's the rub: Scientists have recently (and almost unanimously) agreed that sucking the venom out of a bite is one of the worst actions to take in this emergency. In addition to being ineffective at removing the venom (it spreads rapidly through your bloodstream and soft tissue), it exposes the sucker to the risk of being afflicted by the venom if there is an open sore in his/her mouth (or anywhere in the early stages of the digestive tract if swallowed), and it exposes the bite wound (which is often cut open further to enhance the sucking process) to the swarming hordes of bacteria in the sucker's mouth.

     So, if you are keeping score at home, initially there is a single victim worrying about the damage that the venom will cause. Now, there are potentially two victims, one who should be worrying about the venom but isn't because he/she thinks he/she is a hero, and another who should be worrying about the venom AND an infected wound but isn't because he/she thinks his/her friend is a hero. God, I love irony. Except, I suppose, when it comes at the cost of human life. At least one good thing comes from all of this, though: my irrational hatred of the Boy Scouts of America is now legitimatized.

     I told this to my friend (much more succinctly, and with a stupid-looking, smug grin on my face) and basically used this new scientific revelation as a basis to argue that not only was his analogy faulty, but that this empirically proved that his approach to the problem we were discussing was faulty as well- something to the effect of there being no quick fixes when an attack penetrates deeply, whether from a snake or a human, and that trying to take a short cut to healing can cause greater harm not just to yourself but to those around you. I will admit that my friend's lack of knowledge of new first-aid methods is not a fair basis for arguing matters as deep and complex as human relationships, but I am not afraid to ride my small victories into grand, sweeping conclusions that will help to perpetuate my opinions. Anyway, we agreed to disagree... until I emailed him an article about the foolishness of venom-sucking and the true evil of the Boy Scouts of America (you had to read between the lines for that last bit, but it was there).

     In case you were curious, I also learned during my pursuit of the perfect article with which to gloat to my friend that you should also avoid icing the bite wound since that will slow the spread of the venom and ultimately cause more severe tissue damage and necrosis, and that using a tourniquet is also not advisable since you could pretty easily lose a limb from a lack of blood flow. And now you know these things, too. So don't say I never gave you anything in this blog, you ungrateful leeches.